I had a wonderfully terrible day. I mean it’s been a rough week in general, but today was the apex of this terribleness and I’m growing from it finally.My breaking point today was when I dropped my iPad and….broke it.
I knew that I was angry. And when we’re angry, we sabotage ourselves. In a fit of rage and panic I proceeded to curse out my therapist, purchase $50 dollars of candy and junk food, and on two hours of sleep, attempted to beat Mass Effect for the fifth time.
When the time honored tradition of eating pizza and killing aliens didn’t work I knew that I was in trouble. I passed out, woke up 5 hours later and remembered that the solution for anger is ultimately forgiveness. It wasn’t so much that I remembered, but I was ready in some way. It was because I had finally been able to feel , be angry about and cry about the things that were hurting me. These are things that have been literally been there my entire life.
It wasn’t even until this morning that it really hit home what I was really angry about. Hell, probably the reason why I’ve had a lifelong videogame and pizza [insert euphemism for obsession here].
The things that I had to forgive aren’t what’s important. What’s important is what I’m doing about it and why it works. First of all, forgiveness is not something that can’t be done prematurely. I’ve tried that and it’s a waste of time. I had to feel my feelings, know where they were coming from, accept the way that the past had affected me, and most importantly, decide to take back control of my life through forgiveness.
Forgiveness of the past is something that I’m doing just for me. It’s not something that i’m doing for other people. It will increase my awesomeness, of course, because the anger of the past will lose it’s grip.
I’ve read about around a billion forgiveness exercises, but my favorite is simple visualizations and affirmations. What I do is use a simple such as “I forgive the past and set myself free” and allow everything that i’m angry about move through my mind. When I do that while reciting the affirmation to myself silently or out loud I can physically feel my body relax.
After posting this, I’ll probably do that for hours. If I feel like it, I’ll write it down, say it in a mirror to myself, say it outloud and keep doing so until I know it’s time to stop. And it’ll work. But it’ll work because I’ve felt my feelings, cried to my friends, cussed out my therapist, and, after breaking my ipad, immediately said to myself “I’m deciding to only let good come from this” meaning: whatever is happening, i’m going to make lemonade out of it.
A lot of people forgive for different reasons. Some believe that it’s just the right thing to do. Some people forgive for other people’s sake. Everyone probably really has a complex set of motivations and reasons for why they choose to forgive or not. I’m doing it primarily because forgiveness is choosing a future for myself that is not based on the pain of the past but the power of myself, my dreams, love and aspirations.
Thanks for reading.