When I’m depressed there’s nothing harder than to do the things that make me happy. It’s as if some timeless void has taken over and my sight of infinite possibilities has been replaced by an equally powerful ability to torture myself.
But the world doesn’t stop turning and things need to get done, so I show up anyway. Part of who I am is that I don’t give myself a break. While this is a weakness, it is also a strength. The fact of the matter is that I just don’t feel good unless I’m doing the things that I have to do feeling terrible, or otherwise.
I’ve tried to “give myself a break” but I love hard work. I love doing things, and being incapacitated by anxiety is a sick trick. However I’m learning to just do things anyway. Sometimes getting stuff done just isn’t going to happen. The important thing is that I’m always looking for ways to change what’s going on.
This is taking control of a given situation: the ability to respond to overwhelming circumstances with calm, patience and reasonable amount of clarity I’ve been mastering this skill, for me in the face of terror for some time. I didn’t want to bu tits what I have had in front of me.
We all have these things that eat away at us inside. The important thing is to master them, which is different than stuffing them away or trying to hide from them. It’s our jobs as growing human beings to grow through them and be better for it in the end. And certainly changed.
I took a week off from blogging. I physically couldn’t move for most of the past week. Somehow I got through it. However the most important decision was this morning when I said that even if my hands fall off I’m going to write.
And so it is 🙂