The Law of Attraction

obi wan blog

 

I recently bumped into a couple of wonderful young women who inspired me to write more about spirituality. tl/dr this is a post about some why spirituality is so important.

We live in a society where being “functional” is the end all-be all of…life! In this ridiculous circus, we have geniuses who could be solving the worlds problems starving, disabled, or otherwise unable to “contribute” to this glorious machine of capitalism.

We need to change this…but there is so much more that we could be doing! I found myself in a similar position a few years ago. I thought that my life was over and I would never be able to dedicate my heart and mind or ever be a “contributing member of society” again…

…and then I realized that there was so much that existed outside of the box that I had been living in. I got in contact with myself, with the spirit of others and the generally the essence of all things. I fought this tooth an nail for years because, while I found that I had the ability to tap into this reality and pretty much…make anything I wanted or needed happen…I really didn’t want to!

I was so consumed with what other people were telling me what was possible, and so dedicated to proving them wrong that I simply ignored the simple truths of life that I had the privilege of being exposed to.

Fast forward a few years later. It’s 8am, I’m so discouraged by my inability to be “normal” that I think I have to find another way to exist or else I might end up killing myself…and I simply don’t give up on things-I’ll be damned if I give up on life! So I got in touch with my favorite counselor and guide-my mom and after an hour and a half of patient conversation, she said – Ammanuel, I know you, your solution lies in your spirituality.

And then and there I realized two things 1) that mom is actually as bright as she thinks she is and 2) that it was time to accept that inner power that we all have. It doesn’t rest on being like everyone else, it lies in embracing this very real power to transform the very world around us and live in harmony with all living things.

Men, we have some work to do!

The thing about being a human is that we live in a world that thrives on differences. Not diversity.  We have a beautiful array of people with different bits, different skins, different stories different countries and pretty much all the same DNA.

Our world thrives on separating us and putting us in competition with each other. But there is SO MUCH MORE THAT WE CAN DO!

When I walk down the street, I think about other people as Humans and yeah, their gender or color plays into this. These differences are deeply rooted in exploitation abuse and other horrible things. But the beauty of seeing people as PEOPLE first, is that it aligns me with the things that make ALL people happy. The things that we have in common.

In a long line a the coffee shop, who wouldn’t rather hear a bad joke than standing in awkward silence. Who wouldn’t rather be regarded as a being with worth and dignity when I pass them on the road. Who doesn’t want a simple smile?

It’s more than that, we’re all people fighting for connection in a world that makes that difference. So be a revolutionary, make friends!

So the thing is that we need to heal to celebrate diversity rather than capitalize on any advantage we can have over another because of differences. And yes, we all do. We all have it in us to love others, but we have to acknowledge the incredible amount of pain and prejudice inside of every single one of us.

There are plenty of people who will argue about your actions. But as I reiterate on this blog START WITH LOVE and the actions will follow.

End Violence Towards Women

I recently remembered that my best friend’s mom growing up was beaten nearly to death by his father.

We had sleepovers at his house and while it was large with many expensive televisions and cars, there was this chilly silence. Something that could only be felt;  it was the sound of silent terror.

We were only about seven or eight when they got a divorce. I didn’t find out until years later that this man beat his wife regularly and she left him when he beat her to the point of near death.

I am remembering this because I am doing my own healing work on my parents. This has been one of the most difficult things. I loved this woman, she was a video game designer in the 90’s, she was sweet warm loving caring, but when we were all at the fathers house there was that palpable terror.

To think that someone would pledge love for the rest of their life to someone and beat them to the point of near death is unthinkable to me. Relationships are sacred. We need to enter them dedicated to the best interest of the other person and ourselves. I’m so proud of her for leaving but my heart breaks thinking of this.

The worst part is that this is common. Every single day this is happening all over the world. Women are harassed and beat and even the things that aren’t deadly add up and a weight is created. The weapon used unanimously is SILENCE.

That’s why we’re speaking up. I’m finding time and time again that all of the women in my life are routinely harassed beaten assaulted, several have been abducted, kidnapped, repeatedly raped. This isn’t just not okay it’s criminal. And it’s an offense that we all need to check our accountability for.

By speaking out, by LISTENING we are allowing the voice that needs to be spoken to be heard. The story needs to be heard. We have created a class of people who bear an unspoken, unbearable and simple unacceptable burden.

It’s not men’s job to pressure women into sharing what they don’t. And I don’t have all of the solutions but it’s our damn job to be there in support in whatever way is necessary.

I have the privilege of being a cis male who was sexually assaulted as a child. I know the worst of the worst symptoms and the fracturing of the psyche and the incredible work and pain involved in just getting help and then utilizing it. I have had the privilege of having it be my full time job to heal.

Why is this a privilege? Because that’s it for me. It happened once and I get to heal. I don’t get followed down the street at night. I don’t have to have mace in my bag just to go to a club or a bar. Life is free for me.

What this gives me is an entry point. I share my story freely. If anyone of any gender can relate then we can open up the discussion. Hearing the hidden truths of lives begins to end the silence. When the silence ends the stories are told, are heard, hopefully accepted. At very least it’s a weight off the backs of the 51 percent of humans who are attacked assaulted harassed, discriminated and under payed.

Many of us men have been assaulted and marginalized too. However, what’s been done to women since…the beginning of time is a violation of human rights to the greatest degree. And it can be complicated and subtle and insidious. And every single one of us, no matter what gender carries that inside. It our responsibility as humans attempting to make a livable world, to face this in ourselves and in our peers and to create an environment in which it is completely unacceptable to treat human beings as anything other than the beautiful souls that they are. It is also our job as human beings to thrive to be the beautiful souls that we can be. And misogyny I’m pretty sure isn’t part of that.

I apologize for my lack of punctuation. I’ll get around to working on that 🙂 As for my friend’s mom she’s doing wonderfully the last time I checked. As for writing this as a man…well, a couple wonderful women said that we had to do our best, so I’m perhaps clumsily trying to be the most vocal ally possible.

I am a human being. So are you. We’re capable of amazing things. I have faith that we will be able to reach our potential. Let’s make this world in which it’s only acceptable to do what’s in the best interest for all of us. It’s a pretty simple rule that has been written a a thousand times in a thousand ways. Just simply treat people the way you want to be treated.

I want to be treated like gold!

Make the world work for YOU

Being the center of my own universe has been an incredible experience. I’ve become accustomed to simply bizarre things happening inside and outside of me.

After spending some time horribly disabled, broke, heartbroken and worst of all feeling separate from my own body and that inner spark of life…I realized that I was looking at things wrong.

I was focused so much on a world that doesn’t intuitively feel RIGHT to me…while I had access to a world that DID make sense to me. Whenever I followed the set of rules that worked for me THE REST OF MY LIFE WOULD GET BETTER.

An example of this is mental illness or more simply the fact that I cannot clean my room to any effective degree. But the thing is that my body simply can’t make sense of how to move sometimes. And while I have studied (if not mastered) how to organize things…I simply can’t do it. It’s like I’m learning about a world that makes sense…but it’s not my world!

The world of mental illness is similar. There are all these pills and these neurotransmitters…but while I have studied extensively all of these pills, that’s just not how my soul shines.

What I did is sit down and got in touch with my spirituality. There’s a framework that serves me. By plunging myself into paradigms that simply don’t FEEL right…I have been confused by a world that simply isn’t mine.

I still go to my doctor and clean my room when I can but in order for me to THRIVE I have to find that way that MY mind works and then someone comes into clean my room or I get enough energy to. I find a med that works.

But the important thing is that we find our own way of perceiving the world or more importantly we find that source inside that tells us WHO WE ARE…and we live from that.

You have a home and many people’s home work more or less in this crazy world of ours.

But those of us who relentlessly live from our heart won’t give up on finding our home and it’ll drive us up the wall always feeling like something is slightly OFF until we build trust with that part of us that is always trying to bring us home.

Has anyone else experienced this? I’m really interested in you and your experiences! This is not a blog to just accumulate followers or clicks. I just want to share what I have with other people who are just trying to live from their heart and do what’s right.

Feel free to comment, request, share or personal message me! I love hearing from new people!

Thanks all!

Authentic Love

Our love bloomed in the summer; we parted ways in the fall.

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I recently broke up with one of the most amazing women on earth. She was sweet, nurturing, strong, loving, both gentle and powerful. She was exactly the type of partner that I was looking for.

 

 

We spent about half a year together but in that short time she helped change my life and become more myself.

What was amazing about this experience is that we left on wonderful terms and mourned not so much the loss of the other person but the loss of an incredible relationship. One that could not and should not be recreated.

The relationship was based on authenticity, trust, vulnerability, partnership and growth. I learned that I could heal by becoming more of myself. We both held ourselves accountable for our roles in the relationship as well as to being true to ourselves. This allowed us to honestly examine and talk about the dynamics in the relationship.

Both of us being very self aware, we were able to move past old patterns that held us back-from each other and from being the best versions of ourselves.

I’m writing this because real, healthy beautiful love is possible. I’m also writing this because when it was time to part ways, the right thing to do was to leave. Not to cling on for dear life. That would have ruined the beautiful thing that we created between us.

The impermanence of things, especially love is very very real and a reality that we have to accept. What I experienced was the lack of that struggle and grasping onto something that opened my eyes to the beauty of what is possible in life. I also became more aware of who I am through relationship.

I don’t know if I’ll ever engage in a relationship that intensely for a long time. Six months is a blink of an eye but in my life those six months were a gift.

The heartache that I feel is in response to how wonderful this woman was. It is because she and our relationship was so remarkable that I feel sadness. The mourning is not that of regret but of accepting that the beautiful time had blossomed and run its course.

I’m grateful for my time with her. If angels are among us, I spent some of the best months of my life with one of them and I will be forever grateful.

I wish that everyone could have such an experience. My understanding of love has changed forever. It’s possible to be truly seen and appreciated by another. To be heard, and to have the heart of another person bring you home. It’s possible for the warmth of love, an open ear, or a sweet whisper to soothe in the darkest times.

What’s incredible is that just being myself I happened to have profoundly affected her as well. It was just by being genuine and open as well as careful and respectful that we naturally gave each other what we needed.

I’m grateful to have experienced such an elegant short but sweet encounter.

What I expect and what I deserve has expanded and importantly what I am able to give to another has grown exponentially.

Home is Where Our Body Is

 

 

Like many of us I’ve searched for a sense of Home my entire life. I’ve finally found it, and it is in my body. However, getting home wasn’t as easy as some made it seem.

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In my body I’m beginning to feel a profound sense of home. peace, serenity, connection to the world around me, and most importantly a pervasive sense of safety and security. There is also a sense of pleasure and adventure in arriving into this home. Wherever I go or what I’m doing I feel as though I am still and while the scenery changes I’m sitting still in this beautiful place that is my body.

The body is connected to the rest of the world around me. As a very sensitive person I’ve tried many things to cope with picking up on the emotions of people around me. Imagining a big white light surrounding me really didn’t do it, but one day I decided to open into and feel some of the ancient and terrifying emotions in my body that I had carried around for years.

I shook I cried and eventually they all opened up and passed. Then something shifted. Instead of emotional pain I felt physical pain. I became aware of precisely which muscles were out of alignment, and how they were affecting my well being! In fact, I realized that much of the time I thought I was just having panic attacks but in fact I had been holding paralyzing chronic pain for years!

I cried and cried and finally felt relief. I could barely move but I knew that there was only moving forward. I began to do yoga to work through the pain but it was too much to bear alone. I decided that I would seek and find help. But through all of this I meditated on being in and with my body.

Even though I am in unbearable pain, I am also very much at peace.

For years I had been through workshops and classes in which we were simply “invited into our bodies” but for some of us moving into our bodies is actually horrifying. For years I would beat myself up over my inability to “just be present” but the fact of the matter is that if I stayed in my body-in my home, I would be flooded with feelings of terror, of being attacked and it was re traumatizing.

The unacknowledged privilege of being able to be present in ones body is taken for granted by so many and even worse-expected of everyone else. Yet so many of us have been deeply wounded to a place where even feeling our own emotions or body is not just difficult it is an impossibility!

A great friend of mine made a comment about the very vocal anti smokers…they said ” some people are dealing with shit that’s worse than cigarettes!” and I understand.

If you are having trouble in your body, in getting back home please be gentle with yourself and patient. It is not your fault. Please don’t push yourself too hard like I did. The storm will pass and you will find away. Often times we’re having a hard time reaching our goals because we simply lack something that we’re unaware of.

I had to do 15 years of yoga, try 52 medications, incredibly invasive medical procedures, a decade of therapy and years of meditation….hopefully your journey is easier. But the point is that after spending my entire adult life trying to find home, I’m arriving and it is priceless. Eventually, I’m sure, we can all do the same.

Namaste!

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Me Too

I was sexually assaulted too. Unfortunately the majority of my female friends have confided in me their stories of relentless harassment and abuse as well as many of my male friends. The rampant sexual abuse and misuse of power in our society is epitomized by the rapist running our country.

I’m writing this because I felt the need to share solidarity with the brave people of many genders who have been opening up about the horrors that have been done to them. My experience is different as is everyone else’s but I think that it’s important that we share our stories and thereby invite as many people as possible to bring to light the horrors done to us that thrive in darkness. In silence.

I was sexually assaulted when I was about 4 years old. My entire adult life has been spent recovering from this. What’s unnerving about abuse that happens at an early age is that it has to be teased out over time. When we don’t have our complete language faculties, we cannot construct narratives; we cannot create stories that make sense of what has happened and what to do with it.

I believe that all survivors experience at times, the horrible memories that get stored in their bodies. They bring us into the past through flashbacks and they unconsciously control our present. One person exerting power over us can create a lifetime of suffering. That is only part of why assault is so insidious.

After more than a decade I realized that something had happened to me as a child. I went to a white, male psychologist and told him my story. He dismissed it and said that it was something I made up. I believed him and lived with this horror for years, silenced by a stranger whom I trusted.

The silencing we encounter is a systemic denial that rape exists. It’s a silencing that is violent and dangerous. Worst of all, it is a silencing that plays on the shame, denial and fear that fights our powerful desire to be heard, and the immense bravery that it takes to acknowledge the horrible things that have been done to us.

I eventually recovered from sexual abuse. After about a dozen therapists, I found a woman who could actually see me for who I was. Being seen and being heard led to trust. And trust lead to healing.

Healing is different for us all and it can be a long process. We have to regain self esteem. We have to make sense of a world in which terrible, often unspoken or unspeakable crimes have been committed against us.

Sometimes the very people from whom we seek help are not healthy, are not allies. I’ve had therapists silence me, shame me, dismiss me, and more in my search for help. I’m a black straight cis man, and I don’t fit what many people expect a typical survivor to look like, (if they’re naive enough to think that there are typical survivors of sexual assault.)

I am however very hopeful and proud that we’re speaking up. I’m particularly excited to my trans allies speaking up too. What I haven’t seen are any male survivors talking about the horrors of sexual aggression and gross misuses of power. I was hesitant to write this because I am not trying to distract from the importance of women speaking up against sexual aggression. I just wanted to say in complete solidarity “Me Too”