Like many of us I’ve searched for a sense of Home my entire life. I’ve finally found it, and it is in my body. However, getting home wasn’t as easy as some made it seem.
In my body I’m beginning to feel a profound sense of home. peace, serenity, connection to the world around me, and most importantly a pervasive sense of safety and security. There is also a sense of pleasure and adventure in arriving into this home. Wherever I go or what I’m doing I feel as though I am still and while the scenery changes I’m sitting still in this beautiful place that is my body.
The body is connected to the rest of the world around me. As a very sensitive person I’ve tried many things to cope with picking up on the emotions of people around me. Imagining a big white light surrounding me really didn’t do it, but one day I decided to open into and feel some of the ancient and terrifying emotions in my body that I had carried around for years.
I shook I cried and eventually they all opened up and passed. Then something shifted. Instead of emotional pain I felt physical pain. I became aware of precisely which muscles were out of alignment, and how they were affecting my well being! In fact, I realized that much of the time I thought I was just having panic attacks but in fact I had been holding paralyzing chronic pain for years!
I cried and cried and finally felt relief. I could barely move but I knew that there was only moving forward. I began to do yoga to work through the pain but it was too much to bear alone. I decided that I would seek and find help. But through all of this I meditated on being in and with my body.
Even though I am in unbearable pain, I am also very much at peace.
For years I had been through workshops and classes in which we were simply “invited into our bodies” but for some of us moving into our bodies is actually horrifying. For years I would beat myself up over my inability to “just be present” but the fact of the matter is that if I stayed in my body-in my home, I would be flooded with feelings of terror, of being attacked and it was re traumatizing.
The unacknowledged privilege of being able to be present in ones body is taken for granted by so many and even worse-expected of everyone else. Yet so many of us have been deeply wounded to a place where even feeling our own emotions or body is not just difficult it is an impossibility!
A great friend of mine made a comment about the very vocal anti smokers…they said ” some people are dealing with shit that’s worse than cigarettes!” and I understand.
If you are having trouble in your body, in getting back home please be gentle with yourself and patient. It is not your fault. Please don’t push yourself too hard like I did. The storm will pass and you will find away. Often times we’re having a hard time reaching our goals because we simply lack something that we’re unaware of.
I had to do 15 years of yoga, try 52 medications, incredibly invasive medical procedures, a decade of therapy and years of meditation….hopefully your journey is easier. But the point is that after spending my entire adult life trying to find home, I’m arriving and it is priceless. Eventually, I’m sure, we can all do the same.