I never really like to talk about this, but I was kind of born feeling seeing and simply have a knowledge of what’s referred to as chi. For some reason prana seems to esoteric, life force seems to woo woo, but we all know what chi is. It’s much more concrete, mapped, established, and codified in chinese medicine, disciplines such as kung fu and tai chi, chi has always been a tangible part of my reality.
I took this for granted for most of my life. Everyone else just seemed blind. When I was a very little (precocious) kid, I thought I just saw atoms. When I was a punk teenager I thought “duh there’s a universal energy field connecting all things; everyone else is an idiot.” When I had a profound manic episode, I was convinced that everyone was energy vampires. In later adulthood I realized that I just had a gift that probably way more people had than those who spoke about it.
I never wanted to be one of those people who you’d meet at yoga retreats who would go on at lengths about their connection with angels or something similar. Often times (by all means, not always) these people seemed to be making up for some unexplored side of their ego with their spirituality. I decided that being more reserved was the proper way to relate to the most intimate parts of my life. In general I think that is a pretty reasonable way to relate to most things, although I by no means have always lived this way.
I’m writing about this today because I’m realizing that I am in need of energy healing. I’m a certified energy healer, which is funny, because I hate doing it. I actually have a lot of resentments about growing up being generally energetically aware. Most people who are sensitive to energy are not as sensitive as I am, making me feel lonely amongst those with whom I wished I could relate. In this sense, I’m sensitive about being sensitive.
The beautiful part of the journey has taken hold. I’m particularly empathetic, I understand myself and relate to others particularly well, in general. I’m in awe of the beauty of the universe. My day to day involves a connection that I pray our president could experience for like, a billionth of a second. That’s great.
But I’m in pain. I’m not sure if it’s the isolation that this has caused me. The irony is not lost on me. I don’t just sympathise with people but I vividly see and feel what other people are going through. Connection is very real for me. And because so few people experience the world to this degree of intensity and connection, I feel as though I lack peers with whom I can relate.
I can relate to people. I very seldom feel that I relate with.
With that said, I have built a beautiful network of humans who sincerely do care and listen. I have chosen my friends very carefully. They are numerous and, while we are all beautiful snowflakes these people, even those with whom I haven’t spoken in years are incredibly special.
I guess I’m in pain because these people are so amazing, and this world is so amazing the overwhelming connection almost gets in the way of enjoying them. In any event, I need to take care of myself on the level of someone who perceives chi. I’ll go to acupuncture and receive some more reiki, go back to tai chi or kung fu…I’ll take care of myself.
I guess I just wanted to share that I have felt so lonely for so long publicly. I’m by no means complaining. It’s the very thing that makes me feel connected to life that makes me feel very alone. It’s a fair trade. But in acknowledging that, I realize that I’m sure I’m not alone.