I’ll be writing about the beginnings of my spiritual journey for the next few weeks. This is part one of a multi-part post.
I was born in Providence, RI
My mother had just escaped Washington DC where a threatening partner stalked her.
I was born a bit more attuned to certain things than most people. I had a very sensitive body, with constant allergies a sensitive emotional system; I seemed to always know what other people in the room were feeling, thinking or hiding.
My mind was sensitive, I seemed to learn subjects the moment they were introduced to me. All of this would have been very useful in school but the format of learning that we are all forced through really did not work for me at all.
Luckily I would learn immense amounts by myself. Spending a few hours reading something would reveal the key subjects to me and I could then build upon that knowledge.
Most of all this paved the way for enhanced spirituality and enhanced suffering.
When I was seventeen after a childhood of trauma basically because of how I was made, resulted in me desperately searching for a way out. I was a playwright, finding it very natural to channel my characters onto the stage, I was an activist, vehemently opposing the wars of the day, and dedicating myself to reproductive rights, protesting and lobbying in DC. At one point I was literally the poster boy for the National organization of women. My plays embodied nonviolent confrontation solving in public schools in my area. By all accounts, I was very good at what I did and a self-esteem and confidence were coming to me for the first time in life. I understood who I was and enjoyed what I did.
I was an amateur yogi and meditation practitioner, I had been for about two years. I started because when I was 14 years old I severely wanted to kill myself. I was a hypersensitive freshman at an intense private school in Massachusetts, a place where, to paraphrase someone else, fun went to die. This was not a place where emotional health of any kind came before productivity. They were training us for the workloads of elite universities, which was a stress that I had absolutely no interest in yet I had felt was expected of me since an early age. It just was what i was going to do. What I wanted was never really on the table.
So I meditated. I was in a hostile world that made no sense to me. It just seemed to be a continuous humiliation of being labeled gifted, but with no support. Continually falling short of what was expected of me I was labeled lazy. Some would have called it depressed. I saw suicidality, the desire to kill one’s self as a natural response to what seemed to be an impossible circumstance. I think that most of us who have been here do.
Meditation saved my life.
I began by sitting for five minutes at a time, completely overwhelmed by life and slowly something changed. When I came back home, got politically engaged and finally found my stride, it began to bloom.
I began to notice differences in the world around me, a subtle light seemed to be emanating from the world around me. I was curious. I began to enter a state of intense ecstasy. Intuitive knowledge of ancient yogic practices came to me, I did not know what they were until years later when I read about them.
Tantra, the chakra system and ancient hand symbols seemed to just arise in my consciousness. I knew what they did how they worked and used them in my meditation.
Then I saw a light….and as they say, Shit Got Real.
When I first started to see a white light in meditation I knew I wasn’t alone. I was unaware of the history of this happening to people, but I knew that it was something magical. I had a couple of out of body experiences in meditation leading up to this, but this felt like everything I knew or had experienced was being reorganized. My entire understanding of life, relationships, the universe, the entirety of my experience was being rearranged, like a bundle of cables being separated one by one by some unseen hands.
After every meditation session, I would come back to the room with a new understanding of life, purpose and a
I became acutely aware of all of the unresolved trauma pain and debilitating fear in my life that made me previously want to kill myself. I now had a new lease on life and wanted to live and share and make music and dance, and I did! It was a wonderful time.
Just around the apex of everything going great and meditating regularly, feeling joy and freedom and bliss for the first time in my life feeling happy whole complete, the light was just serving a function. It brought me up to the level of seeing the great amount of work I had to do in life. With that, I had a profound knowing that I was about to crash back down and would have to do all of this work I had read about. This would not be fun but it was of the utmost importance that I completely change and learn to embody the principles I had learned, that I heal from my past, master my mind, my health, my relationships, I would learn a wide array of spiritual, magical and mystical traditions. It was about to get weird.