Intuition and the manifestation process

The thing about manifestation is that we need a certain set of skills in order to do it properly. I’m sure that many of you have read The Secret and other new age spiritual books and they’re great, and they work, and while there is a lot of problematic victim blaming, in this world they are a great first step towards harnessing our ability to create the life of our dreams.

With this said, the process becomes more complicated as we open up to the spiritual forces that allow us to channel our imagination into reality. First of all, we have to understand on an individual level: How does this actually work in the first place?

There is indeed a method to this ostensible madness. So when we manifest and open to the universe, we are using our 6th (and hopefully) our 7th chakras to connect to our ability to tap into the psychic and spiritual realms, respectively and draw the energy that we desire into our lives.

This is all well and good but in order to live a life of integrity, compassion and love, we have to do so much more than open ourselves to spiritual and psychic realms. A being who has not purified their mind, body, and emotions from the traumas in this world will both be overwhelmed by the premature opening into a greater world.

This is why so many new age devotees seem to be simply floating around in their imagination rather than sharing the world that the rest of us are in. I speak from direct experience, and am not encouraging judgement, but rather offering a path to integration.

Psychospiritual integration can start in any way and at any point in your life. It could be argued that it begins even before we are born but certainly when we draw our first breath.

My experience was that of a spiritual awakening in which my energy centers simultaneously awakened, revealed my path to wholeness and then led me to where I am now. I initially woke up in the standard kundalini awakening, with the standard symptoms of shaking, feeling a profound yet ineffable connection to all that is in the universe, with an almost physical yet etheric atonement to the life force around me.

I don’t think that I had any understanding the chakra system but certainly understood that there was an energy awakening within me that was traveling up my spine, destined to reach the top and it would come back down and that was basically what I had to do. What I learned later is that this process is called a kundalini awakening and shakti returns. There was rapture, love, connection, bliss, awakening to immense pain, trauma, and then, there was a need for it to end.

What I didn’t understand is that it does not end and what was happening-what I perceived as pain love connection, were all just energy sorting itself out. In fact, kundalini has its own intelligence. My energy centers-these balls I saw inside of me-had their own intelligence.

The process of awakening had begun and I was now merely a spectator-but instead of embracing this-I just tried to calm it down and stop it-but the crazy thing is that this energy just does not care about you! And I worry about people who are entering into this arena of growth, as I did long ago without any guidance or warning sings.

Anyway, I was seventeen, literally shaking with rapture and making ancient yogic hand symbols. There was a knowledge that something beautiful was happening and I was going to be perfectly okay and at the same time the conscious mind-the part of self that I identified with, was totally confused.

Now that part still exists. I’m conscious of it. I’m aware off it. But that is the only part that was confused. My body knew what to do. My soul knew what to do yet I was blossoming underneath the conscious sense of self-which was confused. It was confusing suffering with explosions of spirit. It thought it was failing but it was excelling at growth, I was committed for my entire adult life to allowing the flow to overtake that part of us which worries, thinks, and you know I thank it because it was trying to protect me.

The ego took medications and created seveere illnesses, it found solace in lovers and friends and adventures and demanded life or death experiences to let it know that it was truly free and alive.

I think most of all a that moment, when I was seventeen and the white light descended upon me, it waas time for that fictional sense of self to retire. To take a well earned nap.

It had guided me through the loss of my father, the depression of my mother, navigating the demands of modern society on a small child, being raped, tormented, overwhelmed….but most of all it kept me here while my soul yearned for home.

My ego thought that hte only way back home was to die. So for years I fought off the desire to end my life because I remembered how great things were before. What I was to learn is that it is my right-all of our dive RIGHTS to create a home here, on earth where our souls and flourish. And this is possible. And I’m going to dedicate the rest of my life to making that possible.

It seems to be my truth that in fact energy and our bodies are one. It’s not mind that is the problem…there is no problem. Butthe truth is that mind is a tool to be used by being. At our heart we are one with the universe. We can read books about chakras and manifestation and spirituality but all of this is to get mind to a point where it realizes that reality, true reality is an ocean in which we are both the entirety and a part…and when we transcend mind this reality is not dual but one continuous flow of energy. And embodying and being that truth is what creates the world in which we can all be truly free.


Me Too

I was sexually assaulted too. Unfortunately the majority of my female friends have confided in me their stories of relentless harassment and abuse as well as many of my male friends. The rampant sexual abuse and misuse of power in our society is epitomized by the rapist running our country.

I’m writing this because I felt the need to share solidarity with the brave people of many genders who have been opening up about the horrors that have been done to them. My experience is different as is everyone else’s but I think that it’s important that we share our stories and thereby invite as many people as possible to bring to light the horrors done to us that thrive in darkness. In silence.

I was sexually assaulted when I was about 4 years old. My entire adult life has been spent recovering from this. What’s unnerving about abuse that happens at an early age is that it has to be teased out over time. When we don’t have our complete language faculties, we cannot construct narratives; we cannot create stories that make sense of what has happened and what to do with it.

I believe that all survivors experience at times, the horrible memories that get stored in their bodies. They bring us into the past through flashbacks and they unconsciously control our present. One person exerting power over us can create a lifetime of suffering. That is only part of why assault is so insidious.

After more than a decade I realized that something had happened to me as a child. I went to a white, male psychologist and told him my story. He dismissed it and said that it was something I made up. I believed him and lived with this horror for years, silenced by a stranger whom I trusted.

The silencing we encounter is a systemic denial that rape exists. It’s a silencing that is violent and dangerous. Worst of all, it is a silencing that plays on the shame, denial and fear that fights our powerful desire to be heard, and the immense bravery that it takes to acknowledge the horrible things that have been done to us.

I eventually recovered from sexual abuse. After about a dozen therapists, I found a woman who could actually see me for who I was. Being seen and being heard led to trust. And trust lead to healing.

Healing is different for us all and it can be a long process. We have to regain self esteem. We have to make sense of a world in which terrible, often unspoken or unspeakable crimes have been committed against us.

Sometimes the very people from whom we seek help are not healthy, are not allies. I’ve had therapists silence me, shame me, dismiss me, and more in my search for help. I’m a black straight cis man, and I don’t fit what many people expect a typical survivor to look like, (if they’re naive enough to think that there are typical survivors of sexual assault.)

I am however very hopeful and proud that we’re speaking up. I’m particularly excited to my trans allies speaking up too. What I haven’t seen are any male survivors talking about the horrors of sexual aggression and gross misuses of power. I was hesitant to write this because I am not trying to distract from the importance of women speaking up against sexual aggression. I just wanted to say in complete solidarity “Me Too”

Bipolar and the Frequencies of Moods

Human beings function unlike any other creature. We have multiple aspects of self that are all oscillating at different frequencies and different speeds. The main ones are emotions (mood), cognition (thoughts), and energy (activity).

Most people have a rate of change that is in response to events of in their lives, their general attitude and things like diet exercise etc. For example you may be particularly physically active and eat a healthy diet which will give you a higher frequency than someone who say, drinks and smokes all day.

Things like drugs can artificially inflate the rate of our thoughts and energy temporarily and reduce them later. Tragic life events like the death of a family member or the loss of a job will reduce our general levels of mood which will affect our thoughts and our energy. Good things will excite us and brings things up.

This is not necessarily the case for people with mental illnesses like bipolar disorder. Depression, anxiety, personality disorders and the like are similar to bipolar. With these disorders our energy cognition and mood are not directly related to life experience instead, they take on a life of their own.

Mood disorders take over our lives and make us feel like an entirely different person. We are not ourselves and worse, people often treat us as the person that we present as, not the person underneath the horrible trap of disease. It’s up to us to crawl through the process of finding a doctor who understands us, to find medication and therapy that helps us uncover our true selves to peek through the veil of disorder in the hopes to be seen and reclaim ourselves all the while our minds bodies and emotions are going haywire in a way that we have no control over.

This process is incredibly difficult but it is possible. The journey looks different for everyone but the underlying goal is the same. We want to return to feeling like ourselves and have our minds body and emotions respond to life rather than taking on a life of their own.

I suffered from mixed state ultradian cycling bipolar disorder. This means that my emotions thoughts and energy levels would change throughout the course of a day hourly. Sometimes my feelings emotions and thoughts would be very high and race, creating euphoria and uncomfortably racing thoughts. Other times my thoughts would race but my energy levels would be absolutely bottomed out with my emotions so low I would feel suicidal. I wouldn’t want to actually kill myself but my feelings were taking on a life of their own. I would have so little energy I couldn’t even make myself breakfast.

Over time I got these energy shifts to calm down so that they would stop changing so rapidly. I was pretty much in a permanent state of low energy low emotions and hazy thoughts. This was actually progress in that the shifts slowed down but I still had to find a way to raise my emotional health.

Finally after ten years and trying 54 different medications and Electro convulsive therapy I finally reached the point where my emotions and feelings were consistent. I have an amazing network of dozens of friends who support me through all of it. I also created a network of doctors and therapists who were always there for me. From 17 to 33 I struggled but I did finally make it. Most of all I was blessed with a mother who stayed with me every step of the way. I also had to overcome alcoholism complex PTSD constant panic attacks and learn to trust and relate to people forming firm friendships that have lasted for years and years.

What I hope people can take away from this is that those of us who are going through these things really are people. Healing is our responsibility but we are human beings. Our diseases make us appear different.

For those of us that are going through it, I know that healing is absolutely possible. I had to go through a dozen therapists and 32 medications in the past year alone. My journey took me 15 years but with dedication and commitment I refused to give up and when it seemed impossible I often had to look my fear in the face and decide that I make my own destiny and I can achieve anything. It sounds corny and naive but it is possible.

We all have differences in emotions and energy and clarity of thought. We can return to a place of normalcy. Everyone experiences this even if it is in a less severe manner. I know that all of us can take back control of our lives and live the beautiful lives that we were meant to have.

Please share your experience thoughts and hope below!

Pain and change. 

3 months ago I set out to treat bipolar disorder. In short it seemed intractable; I had two types of bipolar, both were notoriously hard to treat. Ultimately I succeeded. 

In just the last year out of a lifetime of searching for medication I had tried 34 different medications. 

One caused me to black out and collapse regularly. One offered me a skin disease. Had I not treated it it would have devoured my skin and killed me. 

So I tried ECT. So for a month, every other day I would go to an office where they tranquilized me, knocked me out, and  induced seizures that caused short term amnesia. 

My symptoms went away. Bipolar completely went away. I succeed. 

After a week i began to feel anxiety and depression creep in. But I noticed it wasn’t bipolar. 

After investigation I learned that I had been living with debilitating chronic pain. This means I was constantly exhausted and could not do work go to school or leave the house. 

I found the cause of this. I had been meditating my emotional stress all these years with copious amounts of sugar, caffeine and nicotine, mainly cigarettes. 

After 2 weeks I had stopped smoking. I moved on to e cigarettes and cut down on caffeine and nicotine use down to 1/4 of what I used to use.

My body began to thaw out. I introduced high quality omega 3, a trinity of anti inflamitory supplements vitamins and changed my diet. 

I had cut out what was making my muscles inflamed and I could sleep. For one night in years I had true restful sleep. I was starting to feel energy again. 

I had been eliminating the source of my inflammation that was causing pain. 
But then the emotions I was coping with would flare up. Under stressful stimulation my anxiety and pain returned. 

So I’ve been teaching myself to reduce stress. I worked with a. Therapist a physical therapist and a doctor. 

I no longer needed most meds. But the depression came back, only this time situational. 

Like so many with pain I became depressed with the debilitation of not being able to do anything and its cousin demoralization. 

So I stayed taking anti depressants. Depression, much like pain increases your pain sensitivity and reduces your ability to produce pain reducing chemicals in your body. 
Short term use of pain killers is great for many situations. But long term they depress you cloud your thinking and most importantly, your pain signals get stronger so that they can make it through to your brain, resulting in more needed pain killers and continuing the cycle. I could not do this. 

So now I have quit cigarettes near bipolar and things got simpler. I have a plan that is working. 

Slowly eliminate nicotine and caffeineso that I can sleep soundly and heal. Introduce chemicals that naturally reduce inflammation inside and outside of my body. Gently-GENTLY stretch and work my body. Take anti depressants that reduce my need for self medication with coffee and cigarettes as well as reduce pain and fatigue. 

This combined with therapy support and applying what energy I have to make my life support joy is the next steps I’m taking. 

I have a way out now. 

I said goodbye to alcoholism long ago. After years I successfully treated mental illness. I then treated the underlying illnesses. I have begun both creating and reinforcing pleasurable and supportive relationships. I have learned to be kind to myself and compassionate to others through my understanding of what suffering and it’s self reinforcing cycles do to people. 

I have had the luxury of automating my laundry and groceries so that I can focus my energy on what I can do. 

I have read hundreds of books on spiritual development psychology physiology positive thinking pain management and mental illness. 

I have been practicing yoga meditation breathing exercises. I have decided what I want in my future and committed to writing down and working towards my dreams. 

I have refused to give up and have dared to hope and forced myself to plan and work. 

Most of all I learned how life can take many turns but it’s our spirit that stays constant. So my life now has to be dedicated to supporting that. 

The worst part of the pain is being separated from a clear mind and a thriving soul. My priorities are now creating a foundation in which I can thrive. 

So many trivial things seemed so important. Now I see what is important and valuable. 

The most valuable thing I have outside of me is the love and support of others. The purpose of my life is creating a foundation in which I can thrive and help others do the same. 

So, in the end, as this nightmare SLOWLY begins to end and the light of day peeks through time and time again, I have learned what my values are. 

Treat others with compassion. Suffering takes many forms, compassion is powerful and abundant if we access it. 

Take care of myself. It’s easier to be nice and happy that way. The less we suffer the more we thrive and sharing that is meaningful. 

Finally, my life is meant to serve my soul. By that I mean the creative capacity to love others share joy and be in the moment. 

I also learned that impossible situations are rarely that. With the help of others the worst circumstances can create lifelong rewards. 

Skeptically Healing with Shamanism

I recently had an appointment with my masseuse/personal yoga teacher. Yeah, I’m a really lucky guy. It turns out that she’s also a shaman and in my most recent session she uh…shammaned me. blog shamaism

I have had this feeling of intense anger and uncontrollable emotions, ones that were not affected by years of therapy or medication. However, I have consistently been able to fix everything that was wrong in my life up until this point. The day before I met with my magical shamanistic yoga teacher I told my therapist “by tomorrow I’ll know exactly what is going on and how to fix it.: I had no idea how right I would be.

I asked my yoga shaman for massage and energy healing. However, asking a yoga teacher for a massage results in a serious of postures in which one gets massaged instead of the normal stationary position that we’re used to.

After the postures came the real massage. I laid down, muscles relaxed and fell asleep. When I awoke I felt significantly lighter, like a weight had been lifted. My therapist told me that I had some things removed from me in the spiritual realm. One was, and I quote:”the scariest thing [she] had ever encountered doing energy work. Apparently a conscious being was residing inside of my energy field and she did her best to get it out but would have to spend a couple more sessions getting it out. Skeptical? So was I… but here is a bit of background.

Years ago I began to go through a life crisis. I felt as if a being was possessing me and I couldn’t get it out. Everyone told me that I was going crazy, but of this I was sure. I eventually accepted that it was all in my mind but in my mind’s eye I had this distinct image of a dark snake like object inhabiting the entire left side of my body. Over the years this bothered me to no end…I could almost feel it moving around. Now, I have been cleared as a lucid sane human being but this feeling still remained. It was only after all of the other symptoms had disappeared (depression, mania, etc.) that I realized something was wrong. I thought that it was a medication issue so I changed that but nothing happened.

Luckily I had an appointment with this woman. She told me that she was removing a snake like conscious entity from me…which is just unpleasant and nerve wracking. I immediately put it in terms that I could understand that this was just a way of interpreting trauma, or pain but ultimately it didn’t matter.

The treatment worked! The next day I left my house feeling as if the whole universe loved me. My social anxiety calmed down and I understood that there is a life force in everything that is inherently loving, even this thing that may or may not be in my body. From the ground, from the sky…from the cars! I just felt this emanating out of everything. It made me extremely happy. Life was returning to the way it felt before I started having these “hallucinations”…

I remember the time that the world seemed to be bursting with love and I walked through this gracefully everything seemed to just fall into place, I loved others, they loved me, I was never afraid of dark snakes coming out of people which is what happened after that initial…thing (metaphorically?) attached itself to me.

I’m clearly still struggling through all of this but it took years for my mind to become clear enough to acknowledge what was happening and as soon as I did there was a healing persona already in place.

I am going to go through a few more sessions. Normally I would be skeptical and think that this is a person trying to siphon money from me but not only have I known her for years, and learned to trust her character and integrity but I have seen the results. A weight has already been lifted and I’m returning not only to health but to enjoying life and appreciating the spirit of life more than ever.

What about you? Have you had similar experiences either from a skeptical perspective or one of transformation? How have alternative healing or shamanism/energy work affected your life? Even if you don’t believe in any of it but are curious I encourage you to leave a comment.









Peace from Pain

We all experience pain in our lifetime. Be it emotional, existential or physical, pain seems to scream “avoid me at all costs!” If we manage to quiet this voice the next thought is “heal this pain immediately!” Both will send us running around like the proverbial decapitated chicken. I suggest that we do something else entirely.

Instead of running from pain or running towards it full-throttle we have to first get ourselves centered or else we run into the possibility of hurting ourselves further. Emotionally we can do this by avoiding our pain with relationships and substances, or drive ourselves nuts examining or becoming flooded with the pain that we are in. Physically we can try to numb ourselves or work too hard, ending up with an injury.

I’ve done all of the above. While it’s important to feel and heal from the pains in our lives, bodies and hearts, we have to keep our heads on our shoulders (or else we’ll end up like the aforementioned chicken).

Making peace with the pain we have is the most important and difficult part of healing from it. It is how we retain balance while healing, a process that takes time and effort. It is the only way we can retain control. Overworking or running from something are both ways that we try to establish control but neither work. How do we do this?

I’ve found peace with pain through meditation and introspection. It’s an active observation of my pains, I do not identify them and if I do, I remind myself of what I’m experiencing and that it is not all that I am. First though, I have to be able to name what I am experiencing. This is the first step into acceptance.

What are you feeling? Is it a pain in your shoulder or an old emotional wound surfacing? I assure you that emotions can be traced to feelings in the body and pains in the body will be causing emotions that you may or may not be aware of. Write them down. Take the time to notice how these sensations travel from one place to another.

As we traverse the maze of feedback loops-physical pain affecting emotions, emotional sensations affecting our bodies and of course, our thoughts affecting both, we can gain a certain mastery and understanding of ourselves with our awareness being the centering force that keeps us balanced and on course to our desired goal.

Nothing in this life is too difficult to navigate with the proper awareness and practices. Pain is one of them. This awareness combined with support from others, we can reach our goals in a balanced, patient and peaceful manner.


Chakra Doctor: Your metaphysical physician

Chakra Doctor is my upcoming application that is the resurrection of chakrapedia, my first iPhone app.

Chakra Doctor will be released on the new moon on New Year’s Day and will bring. Intuitive advice and healing to your fingertips by diagnosing life problems, suggesting healing tips and teaching them to you.

If you’re ready, get excited! Please tell me what you’d like to see!